we became something more. as we fell into the ash and grime, we became something more. a fallen angel falling upward out of hell. dark angel goddess of entropy. embody a performance but an angel as divine true self.

Introduce your energy to the presence in the room, we took too long to address the elephant in the room, I can hear it whining. There’s a winding road outside of the mountain and the tunnel that goes through it feels like it is tightening closer and closer on top of my skull. Pull confetti out of the top of my spinal cord, pluck my brain stem. I went out on a limb for you, I walked the plank, outside giving thanks for what I have and what I haven’t. Losing myself in the cavern, the walls drip and ooze onto your finger tips when you stroke the cave paintings. Standing up and almost fainting. Eyes blank and empty. Blink out the dust, the rain is heavy. The rain brings mold and my nose is snotty. Shoddy shelter in the woods like bridge to teribithea. Terrified of the fever, I’ve given up. Live up to expectations, expect patience, expect maintenance on my torn ligaments. Fiber optic filaments, screwed in the fundament, underneath the covers. Cover up your starvation.

Piece of paper folded up in the envelope I received on my doorstep, God wept. He wept, God wept. He wept. The ground is wet underneath of my feet, there is a puddle of oil about a yard away from me in a crater in the asphalt. There is a dirty dog stuffed animal next to the wall on the side of the gas station. Sweat bees swarm over the trash can. The trash can is next to the pump for putting air in car tires. Inside the gas station there is a wide variety selection of tobacco blunt wraps, I promptly buy a pack of two. In an hour my lungs will be tainted by weed smoke and for a short period of time I will be a little more distant from my body than usual. I am able to feel spirits around me and in my peripheral vision I can always see them sliding past eachother like people traversing a mall.

what's it like to have a name? iron out the details, strike while the iron is hot, it all shines. we all shine. all twine unravels, revel in it you putrid dog, dozing off in the car, what do we call this? missed my stop, missed my turn. you live and learn to let the bridges burn. special terms and conditions and angiosperms shriveled up for the season, like me like the reasons for speaking, whisper in the night all the secrets. nestled in between the walls, no clip girl i can't say what i saw. watch her fall down and get back up, hard drive mingling on the altar, fall hurts my self esteem, fallen leaves and steam coming out of a sewer drain, it drives me sane.

coffee in my morning mug, mourning a dry aqueduct, adequete but outta luck, stay outta love. stay quiet, quit while you're ahead, keep a good head on your shoulders, shoulder the blame, a shoulder to cry on, a boulder to fall down on top of you, sisyphus, silly shit and indica, pondering minutiae, fuschia fake blood in suspiria, used to love delirium and misery and experiencing fear in my stomach. used to how low they stoop, regroup, recoup the time investment, arrested development inside a test tube, a petri dish. they see reason as a burden, learn but never change, burn the tuft of hair, in range of the smell. even angels fell, calculate the average, leverage on me there's levels to it, there's a lever move it and see what it does, on the cusp of trust or maybe love or maybe lust, turn to dust at dusk.

what's a sight for sore eyes? more hurt and more to wise up to, more lies below beneath the skies, beneath of what's despised, the plans are all devised, the path, the vine we climb, cling onto the lines, cling onto the end of my spine, at the edge of the pines, wandering and sublime, a sense of time changing in the upscale neighborhoods with no sidewalks, wise up and size up your competition, we're all prey, we all pray, a ray of light falls down and shines on my hand, this is all i can stand.

just ease into it, the disease is intuitive, the ache is unbearable, i'm glued to what i pursue, i peruse this pestilent manifestation that grows in my stomach and decide its time to go, its time to leave and never come back "home," uncommon territory between the bushes that sit between the houses in the suburb, i observe, i always observe, subservient to what i witness, im stuck in place, i keep a balanced amount of prudence at the forefront of focus, im honed in and unnoticed, the perfect crime, i'm crying underneath my finger nails, it all pales in comparison to what came before, pale skin, barely an omnivore, i cant afford much at all so i sure as hell cant afford to pay attention, you could cut the tension with a knife like buttter that sits on the counter and gets softened by the lukewarm linoleum heat reverberation, i'm disposed of, after dinner, i'm the garbage getting thinner as decay takes its toll, toe to toe with myself, ode to being whole and well, all's well that ends well, it all swells with perspiration, i'll make a purchase ill never forget, ill become nervous enough to become sweat, to become the very concept of hypervigilance, you know my stance on this, since the dawn of time, since the yawn of God on the morning their slumber ended. sometimes i hate how i talk and write. i hate pondering ideas and looking for a flow, when we're all in the lake practically drowning in what we pretend we don't see, up shits creak blindfolded, head on backwards like a chicken, i emulate independence when i know im dependent on the tapestry and its ever delicate structural integrity, watch the water deepen that has lingered since the beginning, manifest winning so you can show mom and dad, i showed mom and dad and they saw right through me, head barely screwed on tight, at least screw me while you're at it, addict in the attic, i'm practically neurotic, it's definitely erotic, the contents of my skull are a mesh made of flesh and gore, i feel the core of the earth beneath me. its the anxiety of still being around.

define the quadrant you partake in the glories of, splendor abound upon the ritual seeker, forsake your soul mistake the toll, burned at the stake, for cross my heart and hope to die, dive into essence forever more, more than this, more than life, larger than life, smaller than life, taller than life, width of the spirit, height of the mind, hidden between walls and hidden between time, tie your tongue,, align,,

dust and crumbs on my computer keyboard, a few strands of hair scattered throughout, i'll go without, what could my soul deserve, i'll covet my reservations, i'll sever what's left between me and you, i'll cry inside and move on, i'll go inside and prove my worth, i'll clean up the kitchen and clean up the earth and i'll clean the ash out of the hearth, don't disturb the herd is the word on the street, that's not what i heard, strained eyes i squint and grit my teeth, i split the spoils, i see you out of the corner of my eye, the corner where i lied and told the truth, the corner where i wasted away, i imagine i'm small, i imagine its all bigger than me, figure skating in my mind, figuring out the line and when to cross it, mine or yours there's no in between, in between what i meant and what you mean, tv screen stained and desaturated by sunlight, the pressure of death is knocking at my door, downward, i face towards the cellar, the peculiar smell, the mail i still get in the town i don't live, at the house i don't live, livid down to the bone, living postponed, post my own bail, supposedly pale, on a trail marred by failures, assailed by your leftover stalemate, stale bread in a reflective purple purse that has scratch marks from the cat, i won't be back, wanton endangerment next to the living room ottoman, accumen austere, steering too close to the sun and melting my wings, the melt dribbles down my face, i stay awake just in case, closed casket, basket case acid tablet, grab habits and never let go of them,

When you whisper to the wind when does it listen and when does it reply? Plywood stuck with nails, nails trimmed down to the red skin, Ativan on the bathroom sink. Leave the fan on when you sleep for the white noise, notice every noise and wake up alert. learned behaviors, learned to savor the fragments of divine. Safe and sound and aligned. Set the leaves on fire in the backyard where we smoked and there was a food truck in the yard over the chain link fence. Too defensive, fend off the predators and the enemies. There’s no end to this or an end to me is there? Is there air if its more like an absence? Abcess tooth, I miss my youth and my cousin and breaking into abandoned houses. How’s this all sound to you?

surrounded by solipsism, tied up in it like a garden hose, hold onto the rose thorn, there's a thorough tear in the skin, my tears move diagonal in the wind, i follow the wisdom in the rhythms, writhing sickly in my bedsheets, i hear that heaven ricochets and hell rebounds, bound by the wrists, found in the risks in between existence, during the eclipse, clipped up magazines,

i will live a few lives at once or twice, eye lashes disperse the dust, time passes urges must change and grow, gastric acid, open toed shoes, toenail split in half, half and half in the morning coffee, had to laugh at the morning offering, the snake becomes a ring when it eats its own tail, the tell tale heart is hard of hearing at the session, acrid rot outside of thoughts, the next best guess is convalescence, convoluted questions to the above, twice as nice, double take, take a hit, have a taste, based on a true story, based on a morbid truth, morbid curiosity, rotted tooth, i'll give my two cents, two senses overwhelmed, well but unwell, weld the door shut, forest filled with cigarette butts, stick to my guns, stick to my roses, ducks in a row, morose hypnosis, hypothesis theorem, experience delirium, fear of god, fear of death, debtor's jail, jaded, pale, pail with the water in it, water in the car from the window left a little cracked, crack open the egg shell, walking on eggs shells, walking on thin ice, thin enticing aura, order in the court, quart of milk, miller light, light the blunt, fight the fun, time to fund it, find it, fungus,

i lag behind, it's attached to my spine, it's attached to my brain stem, the monkey on my back has infected my skin, money on my mind, nothing is even mine, find even ground to walk on, the even dirt under my feet, it's thundering, i'm underneath the weather, as we all are, asphalt in the yard, i stand down, i stand out, my faith deepens, it all depends on the weekend, i was weakened, make shift completion, pleated clothes, keep your eyes closed in the ritual, riches plentiful, stitch ripped open like an envelope, at the spire i aspire, at the pinnacle i retire, at the place i was tired and took a nap outside, at the place we tie dyed shirts in the summer, sum me up and assume my function, fuck me up and don't give me lunch to eat, scholarly discretion, falling into asking the same questions as before, i stay testing my patience for what i abhor, a few chores, a few sures, a few brochures left on the porch, carry the torch and up my maturity, up and leave and walk into infinity, the frequent consequence, the sequence of events i'd rather ignore, the constant obnoxious stench, conciousness comes to me on the bench that i sit, allergic to fence sitting, pensive admission of guilt,

i'm a succubus, not one of us or them, found tufts of trust sitting on the chest, in the shadows, in the breath of fresh air i acquire, acquisition of desire, acquiesce to the quest i must take, made of mistakes, made of matter i'm madder, is that all that it takes? i could spend time finding patterns, i can use my mind as a ladder, later in the day i got shattered, i came from the shade i got shattered, motion blur on the camera, unholy combination, a chimera, covered in scabs, i'm squeamish, i'm screaming, it's seeming to be the meaning of life that eludes me, the meaning of a lie secludes me to ponder alone, despondent at home, is this really home?

fighting a phantom, in the dark trying to find a lantern, fandom to myself, icons on my shelf, shying away from the hell i faced, still stellar, i just fell in water, watch the author audit all you were taught, watch me enter and exit your thoughts, i'm a thought i become a figment, pen pigment on my hands, independent stance on reality, realtime malady development,

tar

i wished upon a shooting star rebooting my computer and spitting up tar,
now there’s tar on my shoes, im peter stormaire.
i can’t allow the air in my lungs to keep circulating
certain circumstances and constant waiting
weighted grades im procrastinating
constant pain im exacerbating
gritting my teeth what’s a payment
for the patience i’ve spent
i’ve had to have
i’ve had to leave
grab your bag from the coat check
break check your car
take a break you’ve come so far
farther than ive wanted to go
drown your doubt in what it is
liquidate my will to live
since a little kid
drooling a bit of spittle on my clean sheets
i’ve seen things i can’t speak on
cling onto hope or something beyond this earth
mirth beyond words
free from what hurts
i’ll turn around a curse
out of bounds the warning flashes
the mourning catches up to me
the morning ashes
what else do you have to ask?
throw up on my sheets
i’m left depleted
deleted
eating what hope i have left
like saturn and his child
what’s life after a while?
kitchen tiles i know it can get worse
the weight of what will always hurt
im tired of aspirations and waking to bald tires
why am i still here?

look mom no hands

i pretend its fun to be there
discarded mysteries
discarded miseries
trash heaps and dizziness
intricacies and screaming from the car at passerby
windows down and the chapter marked with a post it note
was it supposed to be so close
yet so far away
the weight i carry
the way i go
the wait till the end
and the fleeting snow
on the road
watch me have no home
watch me leave all I’ve known

tidal wave

you used to tell me it was like swallowing a bucket of tears
what do you know about the vow of silence I took?
you’re the best one I’ve known, my imaginary friend
lets hold hands and be here forever
neon lights that are a shade of magenta
shining on a puddle, shining on
you told me I was indicative of you
and if I’m indicative of you who’s indicative of me
and if I’m indicating that I can’t breath
who is it that wakes up and starts the day anew?
I see your poisonous longing
and there isn’t enough tears I can excommunicate from my body
to be okay again

the web

my nervous system does backflips for you
since a youth I’ve been screwed
misconstrued as a tried and true human
the humid crevice I was consumed by
the blueish purple bruise I’m confused by
bide your time it’s wise
wait it out
find what you’re a slave to
the door isn’t wide enough
the web isn’t strong enough
connect with your honesty
I can’t allow your hands near me

essence

i lost love for the zeitgeist
the phantom in a forbidden scent
ima need more hints than that
thinning out, kicking my shoes off
that phony laundromat feeling
this time I’m the one stealing
living a lie like stolen valor
savor the bittersweet and sour
I came over just to take a shower
ill walk,
till my knees give out
feel the walls in the dark
dart your eyes,
fall apart
expeditiously

numbered list flow

whole team theoretical, i just took an hour sabbatical
now im moving tactical
tactiles senses sensitive
pack got me pensive
pack make me grimace
moving venemous
up in the tenaments with sentiments
hotboxed whip windshield impressionist
scholar shawty said im an abstract expressionist
excellence my mechanism
reality down to my cytoplasm
pouring up ectoplasm
crawling out the chasm
posted up in between like danny phantom
half in half out bring a lantern
new crib got a cistern
its my turn im a walking urn
talking out of turn, i stay centered jules verne
new rules new school i learn and teach
spurn and beseech
your desire to leech

oracle

when is it time to be the oracle?
hold the sea shell up to your ear
hear the sea speak
beneath earth
a hole in the heart
head in the sand and a hole in the dirt
a dirge befalls the land
palm full of pebbles, puzzles and battles
versed in blocked receptors
the editor co-opts the author
take a breather, i'm rather tired
into the ether, aspire
the spire down the street
no flight i fight, i fled from belief
i wake up out of spite, i'm relieved

exalted

exalted to a higher goal,
exhaustion unfurls,
toss and turn and hurl belongings off the bedsheet
longing for the organization of a spreadsheet
hardly a breadwinner
preserve patience for the winter
next week i'm a tad thinner
can't afford a fork in the road
flooring the accelerator
another escalator accident
lost conciousness in the occident
frosted opulence, morning dew
the pale wall lit up in the moonlight
there's sediment at the bottom of a creek
mud on the bottom of my feet
with how often i'm depleted, the dirt receded from the roots
when the day rots i'm confused
i question the bruise on my arm
pestered by the mess
on my third guess
i digress