i feel an intense imposter syndrome that is borderline obsessive. when i get really down to the root i realize its infected my entire understanding of my being. i don't feel like i belong amongst humanity and i fear i never will sometimes. art has been my primary source of human connection for a large chunk of my life now. i study art all day yet i never get closer to seeing my own humanity, it always eludes me. when i walk around outside i don't feel like a human being. i don't feel like a human being. im at the epilogue . im outside looking in. outside the snowglobe.
watch me consume and consume and consume and consume till i stop existing and turn to dust and become a relic that crumbles and falls apart and falls apart once again and again. i wonder what my mom is doing right now. i don't wonder what my dad is doing. i wonder if my grandparents are still alive. i wonder if my uncle is still alive, last time i talked to my family my uncle was dying of cancer and i wonder how he's doing now. i will never speak to my family again. i will never speak again. i will never speak. i will never. i will not be a person for much longer. we won't be people for much longer. what is screaming into the void when there is no void and there is no nothing and everything is nothing and nothing is everything forevermore? i wander aimlessly at the end of the game 100% complete and 10,000% incomplete and empty and devoid of tangible parts to grasp.
i wonder if my family will be at my funeral, i really hope not. or maybe i do wonder what they would say about me. what would they say? what would i say if i were them? am i an endless tragedy? what am i? can anybody hear me? can anybody be here with me? i miss my ex sometimes but we were oh so distant from eachother. i know there was love there but what is love to me. i don't know if i can call anything love that i've had in life. im confused all of the time at definitions humans make. i wonder what does it matter what we define and what we really know and really have and really hold onto cuz in the end it all is taken away from us. or is it? is it all there after we die? like they predicted in Egypt? is it just another life like it is when you go to prison? your life is over but you have to live life there. is there another life after this one? i really hope not. i really hope that things just are okay but what is being okay? i don't think i've felt that before. i don't think i've felt before.
i am very intrigued by the markings humanity makes on the landscape around us. there is so many markings on the ground if you look around outside. it feels like sigils left for the sake of transmutation like we live in full metal alchemist. truly full metal alchemist is probably the life i live. i feel like alphonse forever disconnected from my body. becoming an object who's only semblance of humanity is a circle of blood on the inside of a helmet. i cry inside myself every second of the day. i try really hard to remain focused on what i desire to do but what is it that i desire other than a comfort im completely unfamiliar with. im not even sure it exists anywhere in this world. i wish i could confidentally have faith that one day ill be fine but ive given up faith. ive given up hope. i've never had hope. i never had anyone to turn to i still have noone to turn to in a real way. i love people around me but i feel i have to protect them in the words i want to portray my feelings with. i feel i have to protect people but i know they try their hardest to be there for me in the ways they can but i feel helpless.
i'm going to work on beats the next 24 hours then this week i will record another mixtape and it will be a collaborative mixtape with my best friend jackie (orbwvr). we have a duo project called wittchess that we do music under i'm very excited to work on another project with her. this one will have vocals from both of us!!!
today i woke up and it is sunday and im listening to music and im trying to start keeping a dream journal but i did fail to write in my dream journal when i woke up this morning. i forgot to as i usually do when i try to keep a dream journal. i opened up the window to let some fresh air in the room its getting a bit stuffy in here. my living situation is sort of complicated i can't lie. i have to be gone for like a week from tuesday till whenever because the girl im staying with is having someone over. i have been staying for free here for a bit and the person im staying with i dont know very well. the last situation was like this too i stayed for free for about a year till they sort of didn't want me there anymore. im hoping i can work on her parents farm for some extra money. im going back to therapy and my appointment is tuesday. i really need it i called a hotline the other day and concluded in that call that im ready to do some real work on my trauma again. it really sucks and i dont want to deal with it but bottling it up is killing me and making me feel like im swallowing 20 panic attacks a day so i should really just start to talk about it again. i stopped going to therapy cuz i felt like i was lying and i figured if i was gonna not be real with how i feel i should just not do therapy which i still think is true. im ready to feel real again and to be real again.