i have been stumped on what to do with this website for a while now and really its just cuz i need to add more content. i moved back into my parents house after being estranged from them for almost 2 years. i've been working on a lot of writing and music. trying to stay focused so i don't go insane right now.
i woke up this morning and felt like i crash landed from mars. i had a really intense headache also. waking up has become incredibly disorienting due to these weird hypnagogic states i get stuck in in the morning before i wake up usually around 6 am or so. i sort of just roll around and have half awake fever dreams for 2 hours and they're usually really uncomfortable dreams that are ultra realistic or trance inducing.
i have a tendency to be very talkative sometimes and i still feel a lot of shame about that even though im a fully grown ass adult. im not gonna judge myself but damn its annoying having self doubt about the frequency of my speaking like lemme just talk how i want its a free world kind of. i have been thinking a lot about the spread of ideas and culture and i was talking to my close friend about how sinister it can be because before you know it the zeitgeist has shifted and you're in it and you have to sort of follow the wave no matter who you are. it depresses me that i am given inertia by an era of poisonous ideas and fascism. i try to reject this reality as much as i can but i find myself in the hands of evildoers once more. i feel nauseous most of the time which is somewhat of a new development. i feel smothered by my family and the extra stress has fucked me up internally. i continue to prevail through my expression and try to live to the best of my ability within the wasteland but damn do i want to be free.
I want to work more on this website but i think everyone who has ever made a website says that so im just gonna put my money where my mouth is and actually put content on here. im trying to balance making glitch music and emo rap. when it comes to making music ima make 900 more albums and take over the world so thats chill. i woke up and made a cup of coffee then went to the library then i realized i left my coffee that i brewed at home.
i have been getting very high on my dab cart. im starting to make beats again and im also been working on visuals and branding for side projects as well as netlabel. i learned that i can collage in pages word processing software by putting images on the page and removing background. its really awesome. ive been downloading prototype video game assets off of the hidden palace website and using them in the collages.
i have a lot of words that grasp at meaning for others but mean nothing to me. there's a truth in between the lines that eludes me.
drinking a monster energy drink punk punch flavor no sugar and contemplating what i want to write. everything is always a clean slate and a greater purpose doesn't seem to exist other than what we make. i feel the more i delve into the truths of my psyche the more i come off as a box of tangled wires.
ive been fairly demoralized by the living situation im in without getting into too much detail it just sucks and i ran out of dab pen and dont plan to buy another one so my plan is to just drink a lot of coffee and lock in on my creative pursuits, mainly making melodies to send to other producers with zenology, which i just downloaded. Also i want to expand my website tenfold, my plan is to create an infinite online art installation vibe with this site. im also working on archiving on internet archive photography and art from my old hard drive. i want to update my music list page on here so that you can click and download all of my albums if you want. i want to expand my astrology page by learning more about astrology and do more tarot readings that i document. im going to get back into making ambient music. ill prolly sit on music a lot longer right now no promises though. i want to eventually detach from online social obligation and just have this site to express myself and tie together all the mediums i work with. i would like to make a netlabel still at some point also. some other mediums id like to do more of again are guitar, drawing, photography, i would like to walk around a lot more and take photos of my surroundings specifically. i want to read a lot more books and listen to a lot more music thats obscure. i would like to make a blog for music i find online. i also would like to make more sculptures and weird pages for this website like fuckery 2.
today i woke up discombobulated and not sure what to do, i managed to make a few cups of coffee then i recorded another song on a beat by lacrimosa. i then did a tarot reading then left and went to the woods to go on a walk for like 20 minutes. it isn't as humid and unbearable today which i thoroughly enjoyed. i plan to possibly work on my website some more and make some melodies with zenology to send out to people.
i dont feel safe living here anymore. i plan to leave and drift again by the end of the month.
relistening to a lot of james ferraro has reminded me that daydreaming is an art. it is the ultimate mystic experience if done in a creative context. expressing day dreams is my only mission.
im travelling now. drove to north carolina on a whim then gonna go to tennessee with some friends to work on a farm and volunteer for a place to stay for a bit.
Almost done with my first wwoof stay and its been a blast. I've been working on an emo folk type demo with two of my friends where I mainly play violin, the project is called sisterhood orchestra and I'm working on a website for it stay tuned. I haven't been making too much solo music the past week. I got discouraged by the tropes in my writing and felt I was getting too straight forward with my lyrics. I feel like I've abandoned a lot of the abstraction I have in my writing but I've been getting back to it by writing in my notebook. I'll share some of those writings on here most likely on a new page I design. I have been getting a lot of good responses to my website and have been wanting to work on it a lot more however I haven't always had consistent internet access since I've been here in the smoky mountains. The next destination we will be going to with the wwoof program is West Jefferson North Carolina which I anticipate to be very rural maybe even more rural than where I'm at. Hopefully there is some form of internet access but there may not be.
I stepped on a hornet last night while I was drunk and high. We have are almost finished painting a house and we leave to our next destination tomorrow. Hopefully I can get some type of internet while I'm in rural North Carolina but I doubt I will be able to.
There is no internet here but I've been reading and writing a lot. This farm is interesting it's like completely off the grid and the power comes from solar panels and hydroelectric power from on the property. This makes it quite challenging to use a laptop especially mine because it doesn't stay charged for long. We have a big battery we use to plug things into and can charge our phones during the day when its sunny but most of the time my phone is dead and I just don't get on my computer. Today we are at a library so I'm able to work on this site and our sisterhood orchestra site a little bit. I've also been sending out some songs I recorded on other people's beats. I'm working on a project that's as a whole recorded on my phone at low mp3 bitrate so it all sounds very muffled in a specific way. It's a lot of acoustic guitar and singing type songs as well as short experimental recordings of weird sounds I make with instruments or hear outside. One song is a jam me and Jackie did. The project is called doe creek and I will put it on the sisterhood orchestra bandcamp as well as my soundcloud. Below is the cover art for the project. Also I will put a book I read down below as reccomendation.
We went into town in Boone, Nc to try and fix Jackie's computer as well as do laundry and get a car part. So far fixing the computer has been unsuccessful and they ordered the wrong car part at the autoparts store so I didn't get that either. I've been reading a book on Rojava which I heard has dissolved or something but I'm not sure so the book probably isn't up to date. The theory recoomendations in the book are good though. I'm done with the doe creek album I think. I have been dropped a few songs on other peoples beats on soundcloud I will embed them down below. I'm kind of surprised I've been able to even still collaborate with my producers given I barely have internet or service. Me and Jackie and Terrace have been having a lot of interpersonal discussions and discussions about what we want to do with sisterhood orchestra in a live setting. We also have been talking about our ethos and what we want to express ideologically with this collective. I am going to start reading about the Zapatistas as well as reading some Bookchin books.
today im at the library again for wifi and service so i decided i will make another blog post type shit. i have been collaborating on beats with other producers online again which is kind of challenging not having consistent internet. usually i just go down the street and download the beats or melodies on my phone and then do the production back at the farm. i just sequenced and released doe creek on the sisterhood orchestra bandcamp as well as my own bandcamp which i will link down below. i also released it on soundcloud. last time i had wifi i seperated this blog into old and new posts so that it doesn’t get too scroll heavy to see new posts. mainly as mentioned previously i will be focusing on production again, i’m sort of burnt out on songwriting with guitar but i will still be playing guitar so i can learn to perform sisterhood orchestra songs live when we get a show. we are going to a show in boone, nc on saturday most likely which will be a house show. i’m not too sure but i think it is a punk show. our living situation is going pretty good and the woman who is hosting us is still mostly nice. i think she is a bit dissapointed in our work ethic but we are trying so i think she sees that at least. there is an autistic man who lives on the property who does a lot of work for her when it comes to cutting wood and garden tasks. i respect his style of being and today when we worked together i sort of just let him tell me his way of doing things and i followed it carefully. we were replacing a fence around the garden so that deer and the dogs can’t escape. we caught a mouse in our cabin with a humane mouse trap and we released it near the library, we sort of all had an argument about the mouse when we originally saw it because i wanted to just get a cat in the cabin to like kill it or whatever but we all decided against it. i finished a small book on the rojava autonomous region which i dont even think exists anymore but i liked the book overall. im planning on reading about the zapatistas and some murray bookchin next. after we leave the library we will get food either at home or out in this town called west jefferson and then do laundry at a laundromat. Elizabeth ( our wwoof host ) is most likely going to show us some more firewood we can haul across the property when we get back. we still have a stretch of fence to replace in the garden but we got a lot done today. i may have mentioned some of these things already but i can’t tell and dont want to check so sorry if i sound repetitive in this blog rn i just sort of miss typing and sharing things online so im getting it all out right here. i have been pondering a lot about my gender identity again and i think its due to being around other transfeminine, genderqueer people most of my days right now but i digress. what i have been thinking about mainly is in regards to how my gender fluidity works because i’ve been thinking of myself more as a femboy again recently. i know with a lot of transfeminine people femboy is sort of like a ruined term when it comes to being online but i just mean it in the way of being a feminine gay boy with mostly feminine characteristics. although i think of myself this way i dont think my girlhood has ended it really just coincides with the other aspects of my identity. maybe this means im bigender? im not sure.
I'm depressed as fuck today and don't feel like making art or adding to my site/blog. I drove into town with Jackie and Terrace and I can't help but feel I wasted the gas because I don't even feel like doing shit with the internet.