Chaotic void cultivation, cultivation of an inner organic ecosystem, the internal garden, the eternal flame, the eternal immaterial. Lay awake at night and fade into the ceiling, break the seal, instilled with fear in real time, tongue tied and intertwined two bodies in a pile of sweat and musk. Flustered, the concussed, cussing under breath, under oath, under death. As above so below, the hill and its shadow, the yin and the yang, the counterparts. Parts of a whole, facets of a shattered mirror, mirror image of a mirror image of fear itself. A tuft of hair tucked behind an ear, open up the mind and feel. It’s a year away and a year is three hundred and sixty five days and if we fade away we decay decay decay. Leap year, leap into the water before you dip your toe in. Foreboding and foreshadowed, forever and forgot. The lamp casts its reflection in the delapidated glass window whose paint chips a daily quota owing to the forces of entropy. Ask the window to set a reminder, it must remind me of who I am and who I once was, it must remind me that this is not my home and never was and never will be. The contract expires again and over again. The wind hits your skin like a suckerpunch to the gut. A strong gust tears me limb from limb. Up the stairs there’s an attic you will reside in, it will fair you well for the next phase of your journey but once the next phase starts you must let go. You must let go of consistency, you must let go of expectations, you must let go of the material bargain, none of it will be useful in the long run. Stray from the path at times and the creek will always be there to guide you back. The flow of the creek, the creek and its unending flow... On overstaying your welcome, where is the line? When was the welcome extended and when was it overextended? What was the trajactory? When was I welcome? You’re welcome. You’re always welcome back.

Outside the well I stare into the pool of brackish water wondering what it would be like to touch the bottom. I feel like Samara, I’m still trapped in that well and I’m not doing well. Variations in the melodrama of life and trials and tribulations. When I wake I feel as though I can feel the various distortions other beings create upon the fabric of reality. It is a relentless drone. Honing my mind out of respect for the distortion, feeling my way through the wall of white noise. We are all blind but it’s all relative, like time. Straining my head pondering time. I am suspended in time and suspended in tree sap turning into amber. Her name was Amber. Outside of the chamber, I wonder what it was like to even be in it. The chamber was all I knew for over twenty years but it feels unfamiliar.

Crawl back into the crack in the wall. Picking at the edges of the degradation, my lifeless body drops to the floor. Pick it back up, five second rule. Wide ruled notebook and a pencil pouch in the backpack I carry in dreams where I repeat school over again. Which way, wash away, wish a way forward to become visible. Drool on my pillow, toolbox outside of the tool shed. Two heads are better than one so I become siamese twins with myself. Split in two, a watermelon. Don’t recall the design. A dirty job, it’s honest labor. It’s the hottest day of the year. Extinguish the fire with tears. You have to tear it down to build it up again. Cup of skin, cup my ears I don’t want to hear a thing. The sub tone of your voice bothers me. Sedate my face, make me numb. Walk into a slovenly fever dream. It is excruciating. Scream out loud, bleed my veins with a knife or a leech. Uninhibited, unleashed. Leashed to the pole in the backyard. The backyard has missing patches of grass and dry dirt cracking. Zig zag frown turn it upside down. Down the street we go and hide in the rain drain in your parents back yard, your dad comes out and yells at us. Relief brought on by deceit, keep the receipt, keep the change, keep the strange ways hidden, they’ll steal your way of living. An aphid, ever so miniscule, live in my shoes. Sit in confusion. The sentence formula, baby formula for the neighbor’s new born. A new storm is rolling in check the forecast. Hard drive backed up, sink backed up, car backed up and drove away. Stay awake, stay away, the way stays. It loops and replays. The weight aches my muscles and tendons. Ten houses down from where I once lived. I didn’t give enough notice before leaving. Chronically focused still dreaming while the shower starts steaming up the mirror. The mirror made its mark on me, it’s not hard to see. Alien abduction fetish, recalled lettuce. Flesh recall, total recall DVD on my night stand. Tooth paste scratch solution. Diluted pursuit. Second hand purse and a pair of boots. Foreboding dilapidation of the body. Trod in mud. In the parking lot zoned out, zoomed out, find out who’s loud enough to be heard.

Enter the yin and yang on the street by the gas station. We got a speedway down the road. We got a vape store down the road. We have it all down the road. Speed in the truck in the cold while we’re drunk. Still 17 years old, still 15 years old, still 25 years old. Still born, wake up reformed into a new alter, new altars. New symbols and new idolatry. distant eyes with pupils dilated. failures and alien sightings, enlightenment on gas station pills, ash trays and mountains out of mole hills, molded into your own little puppet, scolded in a corner I was shoved into, dove into the ash and being reborn, perform. jaded scorn, faded form. trade me away, in the reflection my naked face is presented to me.

the door is jammed in the hallway, jamming in the room where i got greened out off a dab hit that was too intense for me, i watch as the fragments disperse, i watch as the hurt immerses me in it like a vat of acid melting my skin into my bones and cartilage, sinew, since you left, pick up where i left off, the left hand, the right hand , i navigated past what i could dream of, i had a wet dream last night, utter disregard for the old guard, it's time for me to finish what i started, its time for me to chart my progress, the best guess is your guess is my guess is, be my guest, the quest we are all on, question all phenomenon, the drama in the room like the elephant, is the elephant here with us right now, not allowed out but i still go out, crowded thoughts, shrouded belief systems, systemic

Would it ever be worth my while? It's always worth a try. It's worth a try. It's worth a cry afterwards. It's worth ripping your hair out over. It's worth crying over. It's not worth crying over. Crying never. Cryogenically frozen turn the lever and let me out. On the level I'm not allowed to go out. I'm not allowed to talk to you. I'm not allowed to be friends with you. Noone came over. Noone hung out. Noone played. No replays, no takebacksy. All along I was never a top choice. Smart but too weird. Weird but too smart. Wise but naive. An unmarked grave with untapped potential. We could hoard pencils, we could look towards tomorrow or potentially the next week. Dampened handful of toilet paper stuck to the ceiling in the bathroom. I stuck out like a sore thumb, my thumb were sore from doing the "dumb," work the "work harder not smarter," work.

I would try again for you. I would cry again for you. It's nearing the end of January 2026 and I turn 25 on February 3rd. I never thought I would make it here. I never thought I would live this long. A quarter of a century I've lived, I've survived. I don't know much what to feel on birthdays. I don't find time checkpoints to be satisfying at all.

I watch the water fall out of the faucet, I watch as my teeth fall out. I'm in a nightmare in 3rd person, watching and learning and burning. Ropes burn on my wrist, I won't exist. I'm on a solo trip to the moon and I'm never coming back. I cry inside and fold up like a blanket, I cry inside and noone hears me scream either, mouth breather, nose breather, can't stand my features or speaking or the fever I wake with every morning. Yawning, boring, you told this story, stole a few items from the store I'm horny. Go outside and the cold chaps my lips, the chill slaps my fist and my knuckles peel. I cave into what's real. I cave in to how you feel. My field of view distorts, murmurs and quick retorts, I'm taught to force a laugh. Lying to a psychopath, dying. You told me to leave, so I left. I'll change the locks this time, I can do it to myself. I'll put your belongings on the porch, I'll yank the bandaid off, I'll unscrew the training wheels. I'll control the narrative and for what and for what? Follow the impulse in earnest, be honest. I watch my emotional presence stray further into the distance. It isn't even a speck anymore. I want to find my way home. I yearn to be a known unknown. I yearn to be alone. Aloe on the sunburn it's summer and the world keeps turning and the world keeps turning and the blade turns in the stab wound and I'll be alone soon again. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my skin, scanning within to find some kind of plot thats mine to follow. Why did you have to hollow me out? Why did you have to take what wasn't yours to take or have or use? What did you even get from it all? I withdraw from you and I'm shivering in my bed, tensing up, there's an ache in my forehead. I bled for you, you watched me bleed. I'll just keep detaching from me. I'm inbetween. Was I mean to you? Was I the world's youngest manipulator? What do I deserve?

The whirr of cold wind in my ears. It aches and aches and burns and aches like floorboards. Dry wall sores. Go to the store they'll have some! A picture is worth a thousand words. A smile is worth the sun. Discarded son bastardized by definition. Another war of attrition.

The dead horse beaten. The path less taken. Breath taking, the wind has left my lungs. A knock on my door. Tire pressure is low, the unswept snow. I let you go. I let me go. I let too much go.

I'll sketch polygons around your sleeping spirit. I'll go outside with you. I'll tell you you're worth it. I'll kiss you and it will mean something. I will do so many things if what's done stops hurting. I'll cuddle a teddy bear. I'll feel safe. I'll love harder than ever thought possible. I'll fix it all, I promise.

i might cry myself to sleep, i might try to dream, i might clear my throat and try to scream, i might stare at a screen all day, no money, no problems, no solutions to the volume turned up in the room, hyper-real, consumed, groomed my hair, doomed,, extra details, extraneous nails and the screws in my hands and my nails grow longer, and scratch my fear,, i can barely stand, shaky legs, shaky arms, shaky hands, nothing was harmed in the making of this long ass poem, i don't know him or her or words to say, for freedom, let me explain, exclaimed the maimed one, the flame is out of the fire, the aim is out of desire, the lame and the meek, i tame my will to speak, my desire to peak when the situation is dire, aspire for higher purpose, nervous i promise, the longest wait till i vomit, tossing and turning on a cot in the office, im cautious, the caustic substance on the wound caused this to be completely honest, the burn out, the constant novice, sitting on my aching coccyx, the puddle of toxins underneath my engine demands my attention, the tension in the room makes me tip toe, skip through the movie and keep the volume low, reload and relocate, float the burnt rubber on the pavement outside of the apartment, i stayed in on occasion till my bank account was empty and vacant, fined for vagrancy, maintain complacency lately, its late at night, i cant speak, i cant see in the dark but my eyes adjust, adjunct existence, zits on dry skin, skin me alive then, predator leviathan, writhing serpent, surface tension worthless and penetrated, visionary self deprecation, defecate on my favorite locations, desecrate a grave, im in grave danger, the anger i feel inside of me cant be contained so it spills over like a bubbling boiling grease pit, armpits smell like a raccoon, outside at noon its cold until soon it gives and its warm and im warm and i hold myself toward the sun for some light on my skin, lite touch, light up the dutch, light up my clutches my hands and my palms, poultry, telephone poles and trees, lamp posts and greed, agree to disagree about my ways of grieving, my way of breathing dissected, insects crushed on the asphalt, its my fault i know, im known and unknown, the home i was at isn't my home and im that yes im that, im this and im that yes im that, outside like a cat, caged up like a cat, not allowed back like a cat thats wild, feral child, very mild freestyle, the style i have is a while away from making sense and i cant hone it or sharpen in, chardonnay wine, whine and dine and kill me, instill me with fear so i can be the real me, drill me with information that will make me filthy, and dirty, flirt with me till im hurting, hurt me till im bleeding, read me till im deleted from your memory, overlapping over and over and over until the stack is so big it topples, stock up with apples that rot, the flesh rots, the thoughts rot in my mind, they're way past expiration, inspiration and respiration, rest assured, im tested well and evasive maneuvers are neccesary,

the forgotten favorite and an unsavory gesture in the moment in the pasture before we went to school and the mist was out in the air floating and floating and floating. we forgot about knowing, we forgot about what we owed to our parents that evening, in the night we relive it. we relieve the pressure of the image that's supposed to be close to the truth. close to having a use but not quite. i can't be quiet enough, i can't quit, i can't catch my own bluff. the blunt is so tough on my lungs it turns me to rubber. i hope i didn't rub her the wrong way. this street is a one way, this relationship is a two way street. it takes two tango, it takes a whole town to suffer from the damage of a tornado. i never liked cherry tomatoes and i was too picky to eat ravioli. when my mom picked me up i was still hungry. it was nap time and i was still hungry. lunch meat in the fridge when i got home from school. my head hurts and my pillow is covered with drool after an unpredictable sleep.

plus equals the four way interesection at which we meet. plus equals addition, addition equals creation, construction, adding to the conversation. LGBTQIA+, plus equals gender abolition, fluidity, the grey area, undefined, the self in flux creativity, the crossroads equal clean slate of trajectory or an invitation to develop momentum, the cross, the path. four choices and all in between.