I wish I could go back sometimes. The mountains are covered in fog in the memories I have of that time. We used to walk deep into the woods on my Great Grandma’s property. The dirt smell floated in the air constantly. We would walk back and sit by a campfire some nights but I never felt connected to my family. I was alone with the woods, the solitude of the crowd of trees always fascinated me. They stared and stood together but never spoke. I’d frequently sit on the porch and imagine their voices if they were alive. Maybe they were alive. My family never included me. I sat in my Grandma’s rocking chair understanding loneliness before I even knew it was an experience that had a word for it. The tile smelled of mildew in that house. There was a faint sulfur smell too from the water that was definitely extracted from a spring. I don't remember my Mom being there but her presence was slightly felt. Often I didn’t feel human but most of the experiences I only have words for when I look back on them now. I would look out the window fearing the setting of the sun. To me it represented the unmerciful passing of time and time reminded me of death’s quiet approach. I’d have nightmares of being watched in a house with very big windows and I’d frequently die in my dreams. I’d float in the void watching my family continue on with their life unbothered. Abandonment was a constant theme. Before I went to sleep I would pray to god to please make it better. I didn’t know what it was but I knew despair. I don’t want to call my mom anymore. There’s a compromise we could come to that’s also just a fantasy. I crave harmony that’s not possible. Sometimes I feel like a perfectionist composer in that way. I can hear songs in my head when I sit in silence. When I sit in silence I always write down my ideas as quickly as possible. Even in the worst times I felt at home when I would write. Turn the page. Sitting in biology class in sophomore year of high school, the walls would turn purple. I was doing too many psychedelics back then but I liked feeling bad. I felt like I deserved it. I never got high. There was too much low in my life so it just multiplied the low. Keys jingling turned into cop sirens and shadows started running when I would get high.