i feel an intense imposter syndrome that is borderline obsessive. when i get really down to the root i realize its infected my entire understanding of my being. i don't feel like i belong amongst humanity and i fear i never will sometimes. art has been my primary source of human connection for a large chunk of my life now. i study art all day yet i never get closer to seeing my own humanity, it always eludes me. when i walk around outside i don't feel like a human being. i don't feel like a human being. im at the epilogue . im outside looking in. outside the snowglobe.
watch me consume and consume and consume and consume till i stop existing and turn to dust and become a relic that crumbles and falls apart and falls apart once again and again. i wonder what my mom is doing right now. i don't wonder what my dad is doing. i wonder if my grandparents are still alive. i wonder if my uncle is still alive, last time i talked to my family my uncle was dying of cancer and i wonder how he's doing now. i will never speak to my family again. i will never speak again. i will never speak. i will never. i will not be a person for much longer. we won't be people for much longer. what is screaming into the void when there is no void and there is no nothing and everything is nothing and nothing is everything forevermore? i wander aimlessly at the end of the game 100% complete and 10,000% incomplete and empty and devoid of tangible parts to grasp.
i wonder if my family will be at my funeral, i really hope not. or maybe i do wonder what they would say about me. what would they say? what would i say if i were them? am i an endless tragedy? what am i? can anybody hear me? can anybody be here with me? i don't know if i can call anything love that i've had in life. im confused all of the time at definitions humans make. i wonder what does it matter what we define and what we really know and really have and really hold onto cuz in the end it all is taken away from us. or is it? is it all there after we die? like they predicted in Egypt? is it just another life like it is when you go to prison? your life is over but you have to live life there. is there another life after this one? i really hope not. i really hope that things just are okay but what is being okay? i don't think i've felt that before. i don't think i've felt before.
i am very intrigued by the markings humanity makes on the landscape around us. there is so many markings on the ground if you look around outside. it feels like sigils left for the sake of transmutation like we live in full metal alchemist. truly full metal alchemist is probably the life i live. i feel like alphonse forever disconnected from my body. becoming an object who's only semblance of humanity is a circle of blood on the inside of a helmet. i cry inside myself every second of the day. i try really hard to remain focused on what i desire to do but what is it that i desire other than a comfort im completely unfamiliar with. im not even sure it exists anywhere in this world. i wish i could confidentally have faith that one day ill be fine but ive given up faith. ive given up hope. i've never had hope. i never had anyone to turn to i still have noone to turn to in a real way. i love people around me but i feel i have to protect them in the words i want to portray my feelings with. i feel i have to protect people but i know they try their hardest to be there for me in the ways they can but i feel helpless.
i'm going to work on beats the next 24 hours then this week i will record another mixtape and it will be a collaborative mixtape with my best friend jackie (orbwvr). we have a duo project called wittchess that we do music under i'm very excited to work on another project with her. this one will have vocals from both of us!!!
today i woke up and it is sunday and im listening to music and im trying to start keeping a dream journal but i did fail to write in my dream journal when i woke up this morning. i forgot to as i usually do when i try to keep a dream journal. i opened up the window to let some fresh air in the room its getting a bit stuffy in here. my living situation is sort of complicated i can't lie. i have to be gone for like a week from tuesday till whenever because the girl im staying with is having someone over. i have been staying for free here for a bit and the person im staying with i dont know very well. the last situation was like this too i stayed for free for about a year till they sort of didn't want me there anymore. im hoping i can work on her parents farm for some extra money. im going back to therapy and my appointment is tuesday. i really need it i called a hotline the other day and concluded in that call that im ready to do some real work on my trauma again. it really sucks and i dont want to deal with it but bottling it up is killing me and making me feel like im swallowing 20 panic attacks a day so i should really just start to talk about it again. i stopped going to therapy cuz i felt like i was lying and i figured if i was gonna not be real with how i feel i should just not do therapy which i still think is true. im ready to feel real again and to be real again.
i never anticipated that my life would be in shambles this long i feel like i'm being slowly driven insane by circumstance.
i relate a lot to john constantine. i relate to being haunted by ghosts that you can never get away from and being jaded by it rather than empowered by it. i feel like john is the most realistic depiction of what its like to be clairvoyant in the modern world. the world just keeps going and having a mortal body while dealing with immortal consequences takes its toll and overtime it makes you cynical. i went to a homeless shelter yesterday and i couldn't have imagined how depraved the conditions were. i aged out of the young adult shelter that was for 18 to 24 year olds so i went to a men's shelter here in Lexington. I am a trans woman but idk if i can go to a womens shelter or anything really. the shelter i went to was just basically a thin hallway with mats on the floor where people were laying. i signed up and just ended up leaving and sleeping in my car. i figured i would struggle badly to sleep in my car but it honestly ended up not being too bad. i spent a large chunk of yesterday stressing about what i was going to do but also i recorded one of my most emotionally raw songs for a new mixtape im working on. also in the first half of the day i recorded at the library studio here in lexington. i went back to therapy for the first time in about a month in a half. it was really helpful for me but i will say reflecting on my circumstances doesn't really make me have hope and thats kind of why i stopped going to therapy. it seems no matter the work i seem to do on myself or my circumstances or my art i just keep slipping further from faith in life itself.
there is often furniture made of sawdust from past creative sessions that is blocking my view spiritually. i think of this in reference to the nirvana song something in the way. in a way its very ironic that there is a song called something in the way by nirvana its like saying there's something in the way of nirvana. i often feel this way. there's always something blocking it. stuck between a rock and a hard place blinded by my own creativity. i'm resonating with music that i would call bleeding music aka vulnerable rejection of detachment music. vulnerable punk ethos. frodo forever changed by mordor music. i don't want to dilleneate the difference between the scraps my collages make and the collages themselves. it's all meant to be. an organic mass compost pile of creative amalgam.
what is true to me? i often can't tell. as i sit and contemplate what to write about today i'm just plain confused about what's going on around me. the factors out of my control in my life are not just confusing they are suffocating. confusion and hopelessness are possibly the most dreadful things to feel in tandem in my opinion because they feed into eachother and create a situation without end. what do you do when you don't know what to do? what do you do when you feel doomed and don't know what to do? i don't attempt to see a silver lining anymore and i shouldn't feel obligated to. it is not my job to explain to others how things could be worse, of course i know they could be worse, that is one of the most terrifying parts about being in a compromised position in life. it could always get darker. im not afraid to feel and talk about what's really going on. i won't feel ashamed about it. i'm currently living out of my car still and i've picked up reading again. i've been reading revolutionary suicide by huey p newton and it has made me contemplate the implications of my individual experience and the greater plight of marginalized people in the world. i was born foreign to the understanding of both sides of my family, i'm queer and i'm not complacent. i hold my desire to learn as sacred to my very soul and it makes me a threat to the status quo of my family and the country i live. nothing will strike fear into the deepest part of my being because my soul is shattered and scattered below the shadow self. i will always be reborn even after my body is destroyed. i know where im going after here and i'll never forget it.
i unlocked some new methods with production recently. i've started doing most of my sound placement within the playlist of fl studio rather than using the drum rack. i feel like the drum rack is fairly restrictive once you get used to using it in fl. my next move will be to use audacity to produce again because it is like using the playlist only but on hard mode. i really love producing with audacity bc to get a really crazy flow in it you have to make decisions without listening to them. the function of looping real time and listening to a track is not really present in audacity. i really enjoy producing off visual stimulai only, it appeals to my synesthesia and makes me feel like i'm making visual art rather than solely music. there is nothing more satisfying than this type of work flow and also it kind of gives you bragging rights amongst producers to say you used audacity to make a beat with actual rhythm.