Would it ever be worth my while? It's always worth a try. It's worth a try. It's worth a cry afterwards. It's worth ripping your hair out over. It's worth crying over. It's not worth crying over. Crying never. Cryogenically frozen turn the lever and let me out. On the level I'm not allowed to go out. I'm not allowed to talk to you. I'm not allowed to be friends with you. Noone came over. Noone hung out. Noone played. No replays, no takebacksy. All along I was never a top choice. Smart but too weird. Weird but too smart. Wise but naive. An unmarked grave with untapped potential. We could hoard pencils, we could look towards tomorrow or potentially the next week. Dampened handful of toilet paper stuck to the ceiling in the bathroom. I stuck out like a sore thumb, my thumb were sore from doing the "dumb," work the "work harder not smarter," work.

I would try again for you. I would cry again for you. It's nearing the end of January 2026 and I turn 25 on February 3rd. I never thought I would make it here. I never thought I would live this long. A quarter of a century I've lived, I've survived. I don't know much what to feel on birthdays. I don't find time checkpoints to be satisfying at all.

I watch the water fall out of the faucet, I watch as my teeth fall out. I'm in a nightmare in 3rd person, watching and learning and burning. Ropes burn on my wrist, I won't exist. I'm on a solo trip to the moon and I'm never coming back. I cry inside and fold up like a blanket, I cry inside and noone hears me scream either, mouth breather, nose breather, can't stand my features or speaking or the fever I wake with every morning. Yawning, boring, you told this story, stole a few items from the store I'm horny. Go outside and the cold chaps my lips, the chill slaps my fist and my knuckles peel. I cave into what's real. I cave in to how you feel. My field of view distorts, murmurs and quick retorts, I'm taught to force a laugh. Lying to a psychopath, dying. You told me to leave, so I left. I'll change the locks this time, I can do it to myself. I'll put your belongings on the porch, I'll yank the bandaid off, I'll unscrew the training wheels. I'll control the narrative and for what and for what? Follow the impulse in earnest, be honest. I watch my emotional presence stray further into the distance. It isn't even a speck anymore. I want to find my way home. I yearn to be a known unknown. I yearn to be alone. Aloe on the sunburn it's summer and the world keeps turning and the world keeps turning and the blade turns in the stab wound and I'll be alone soon again. Alone with my thoughts, alone with my skin, scanning within to find some kind of plot thats mine to follow. Why did you have to hollow me out? Why did you have to take what wasn't yours to take or have or use? What did you even get from it all? I withdraw from you and I'm shivering in my bed, tensing up, there's an ache in my forehead. I bled for you, you watched me bleed. I'll just keep detaching from me. I'm inbetween. Was I mean to you? Was I the world's youngest manipulator? What do I deserve?

The whirr of cold wind in my ears. It aches and aches and burns and aches like floorboards. Dry wall sores. Go to the store they'll have some! A picture is worth a thousand words. A smile is worth the sun. Discarded son bastardized by definition. Another war of attrition.

The dead horse beaten. The path less taken. Breath taking, the wind has left my lungs. A knock on my door. Tire pressure is low, the unswept snow. I let you go. I let me go. I let too much go.

I'll sketch polygons around your sleeping spirit. I'll go outside with you. I'll tell you you're worth it. I'll kiss you and it will mean something. I will do so many things if what's done stops hurting. I'll cuddle a teddy bear. I'll feel safe. I'll love harder than ever thought possible. I'll fix it all, I promise.

i might cry myself to sleep, i might try to dream, i might clear my throat and try to scream, i might stare at a screen all day, no money, no problems, no solutions to the volume turned up in the room, hyper-real, consumed, groomed my hair, doomed,, extra details, extraneous nails and the screws in my hands and my nails grow longer, and scratch my fear,, i can barely stand, shaky legs, shaky arms, shaky hands, nothing was harmed in the making of this long ass poem, i don't know him or her or words to say, for freedom, let me explain, exclaimed the maimed one, the flame is out of the fire, the aim is out of desire, the lame and the meek, i tame my will to speak, my desire to peak when the situation is dire, aspire for higher purpose, nervous i promise, the longest wait till i vomit, tossing and turning on a cot in the office, im cautious, the caustic substance on the wound caused this to be completely honest, the burn out, the constant novice, sitting on my aching coccyx, the puddle of toxins underneath my engine demands my attention, the tension in the room makes me tip toe, skip through the movie and keep the volume low, reload and relocate, float the burnt rubber on the pavement outside of the apartment, i stayed in on occasion till my bank account was empty and vacant, fined for vagrancy, maintain complacency lately, its late at night, i cant speak, i cant see in the dark but my eyes adjust, adjunct existence, zits on dry skin, skin me alive then, predator leviathan, writhing serpent, surface tension worthless and penetrated, visionary self deprecation, defecate on my favorite locations, desecrate a grave, im in grave danger, the anger i feel inside of me cant be contained so it spills over like a bubbling boiling grease pit, armpits smell like a raccoon, outside at noon its cold until soon it gives and its warm and im warm and i hold myself toward the sun for some light on my skin, lite touch, light up the dutch, light up my clutches my hands and my palms, poultry, telephone poles and trees, lamp posts and greed, agree to disagree about my ways of grieving, my way of breathing dissected, insects crushed on the asphalt, its my fault i know, im known and unknown, the home i was at isn't my home and im that yes im that, im this and im that yes im that, outside like a cat, caged up like a cat, not allowed back like a cat thats wild, feral child, very mild freestyle, the style i have is a while away from making sense and i cant hone it or sharpen in, chardonnay wine, whine and dine and kill me, instill me with fear so i can be the real me, drill me with information that will make me filthy, and dirty, flirt with me till im hurting, hurt me till im bleeding, read me till im deleted from your memory, overlapping over and over and over until the stack is so big it topples, stock up with apples that rot, the flesh rots, the thoughts rot in my mind, they're way past expiration, inspiration and respiration, rest assured, im tested well and evasive maneuvers are neccesary,

the forgotten favorite and an unsavory gesture in the moment in the pasture before we went to school and the mist was out in the air floating and floating and floating. we forgot about knowing, we forgot about what we owed to our parents that evening, in the night we relive it. we relieve the pressure of the image that's supposed to be close to the truth. close to having a use but not quite. i can't be quiet enough, i can't quit, i can't catch my own bluff. the blunt is so tough on my lungs it turns me to rubber. i hope i didn't rub her the wrong way. this street is a one way, this relationship is a two way street. it takes two tango, it takes a whole town to suffer from the damage of a tornado. i never liked cherry tomatoes and i was too picky to eat ravioli. when my mom picked me up i was still hungry. it was nap time and i was still hungry. lunch meat in the fridge when i got home from school. my head hurts and my pillow is covered with drool after an unpredictable sleep.

plus equals the four way interesection at which we meet. plus equals addition, addition equals creation, construction, adding to the conversation. LGBTQIA+, plus equals gender abolition, fluidity, the grey area, undefined, the self in flux creativity, the crossroads equal clean slate of trajectory or an invitation to develop momentum, the cross, the path. four choices and all in between.

Dreams